Dear Julie,
Holy cow I suck. I am circling the black hole. I hate it when I get like this. Ugh. I am currently using the last dregs of my strength (you like my overly dramatic visual there?) to force myself to not give in, give up, and just be fat for the rest of my life. I am SO TIRED of the constant ups and downs of this! Holy cow- one minute I'm so motivated and ignoring all bad impulses and seeing some results and the next I take a hit again and then I'm right back to doing everything wrong! ARGHHHHHHHH!!!! I swear to all that is HOLY I am not going to be beat by this. I WILL get back on the wagon- I WILL get healthy, I WILL get this one last major thing I HATE about myself under control. As promised, I am posting my reasons for weight loss (a day late). It's harder than I thought it would be to post these. I don't think we have that many people that read this blog, but these are deeply personal and revealing and its hard to put that out there for the world to judge.

My REASONS:

1. So Anna has a healthy mom that she can be proud of and that doesn't get sick or die early.

2. So I don't feel like I have to hide everywhere I go.

3. So my legs don't hurt anymore.

4. So I don't avoid people and activities because I'm fat.

5. So I can wear fun, cute, trendy clothes.

6. So I can ride roller coasters.

7. So I don't feel less than, not good enough, too ugly, too fat.

8. So I am a good example to my patients.

9. So I can keep up with the nursing workload.

10. To prove to myself that I can be in control of myself, and that I can accomplish what I want to accomplish, that I am strong.

My Body Hates Me

Dear Amber ~

I would like to go on record as saying that I firmly believe my body hates me. Ive been recoving nicely from the surgery but now I have a blasted head cold! I haven't been eating very much because 1) I'm afraid to and 2) I cant taste anything anyway. Ive been doing well with tortilla's and cheese (I know, its not great for me but its just about the only that that settles ok on my stomach) and also managed to eat a marinated portabello mushroom and sauerkraut (I married a German, Sauerkraut comes with the territory). Anyway, I'm getting pretty damn tired of not feeling well :o(  Tomorrow I'm trying a crock pot recipe with pork chops and pineapple. Sounds tasty so lets just hope I can actually taste it.

In other news - in an effort to force myself to comply with our plan and also force myself to get out and exercise I signed up for my first 5k. I wont be running this one but will be walking it and I think its going to be pretty fun. This 5k is "Running with the Bulls" and its sponsored by the Houston Texas (NFL Football team). I get to run onto the football field!!! Woooohoo!!!! :o) Ill make sure there are pictures. That 5k is October 16th so I have about a month to get myself walker ready!

I'm feeling pretty drained right now - I need to get back into a rhythm and get moving again. Ive literally been a lazy bum for 10 days and its making me pretty crazy!

Miss You and PLEASE CALL ME or Text... or ya know... get in your car and drive here to hold me accountable. :o)

Accountability time

Dear Julie,

"Our names are Julie and Amber. We are food-aholics. And we have failed in our quest to keep up our blog as we promised to ourselves and the world."

Now's the time when we both pledge to do BETTER!!!!  We are absolutely NOT getting off track here and falling off the wagon for good. I'm yelling at myself more than you because you've just had surgery. ;) And really I haven't done all that badly with either my exercise or my eating- its just not progressing to that next level that I need to get to. I'm following the rules I've laid out for myself pretty well but in a lazy, "whatever" kind of way instead of a "this is an awesome thing that is going to make my life better in every single way and I can't wait to get going and see fantastic results!!" kind've way. And I miss that excitement. So, you are officially on notice that I will be texting and calling you everyday to check up on you. And I need you to call and kick me in the butt that is not getting smaller as fast as it should be because I'm allowing school and various other excuses to creep in and mess up my motivation. Tomorrow's post from me will contain my list of reasons that you and I have already shared but that I quite obviously need to have in my face again. 

For the record, I ate pretty well last few days and today- taco chicken for lunch and granola for dinner. And I got out and walked my mile this evening. It felt pretty good tonight- the weather was beautiful. I think I'm ready to either add in some running or to add in another half mile to my route. Can't decide which. I'll decide by tomorrow and let you know along with my reasons. Actually, I just decided. I'll add in some running because I really like the running. And I'll add in one small side street to get some additional distance in. 

Here's your motivation for the day~

"Do or do not. There is no try." ~ Jedi Master Yoda

We've chosen to do. It was a good choice. Now let's get that follow through back, get our enthusiasm back, and get the rest of our lives started!!!

Love ya girl- miss your face. Call me tomorrow. Eat good, get out and walk if your poor gut will let you. 

 Amber

New Week - New Motivation

Dear Julie~

I miss you too :( :( Maybe we can figure out a way to meet halfway. Hang on one sec...ok looked at my calender... I see no fall break on here. I guess 4th semester students don't get a break from the GRINDING PRESSURE!!! ..... wow sorry. Not sure where that came from. Anywho.... until October the 9th, I have Thursday and Fridays off from school and no job in sight as of yet... so maybe I could get mom to pick up kiddo some Friday and we can meet somewhere? Let me know whatcha think. Also, long promised graduation date- I'm scared to even put this on paper lest I jinx myself.... is Dec. 15th (odd number!!!! ack- is that a bad sign? no... not a bad sign... calm down... its just an odd number...) at 7pm. 

Ok back to new week- new motivation. I walked this morning in the beautiful fall like temperatures. I think  I walked a little over a mile on these treacherous hills. They really get my heart rate up and pumping. Its kinda fun cause I know all the A and P (we're going over cardiac stuff right now) so I can be a total nerd and figure out exactly what is happening in my arteries and heart, etc. I know. You don't have to say it. 

I was not so good this weekend. Kinda fell off the wagon some. Nothing terrible- I didn't like go out and eat an entire cake or anything. Just didn't really make wise choices. And ugh- I felt yucky and gross. So I have new motivation to do better and better. I have my yummy taco shredded chicken all made up which I can eat with no carbs and only some cheese as the fat for dinner today. I ate some homemade granola for breakfast. And I will have some greek yogurt for lunch. Which is yummy and way full of protein!! Bonus!!! 

I can definitely tell I am losing weight. I haven't been to the doctor to weigh in yet but the clothes are fitting looser and I can tell in my face. Woo hoo! If that's not movitation, I don't know what is! 

Love ya, miss ya, do good today!!!!!! You are officially off the gallbladder excuse so I expect good things this week! Oh and congrats on the post-surgical weight loss. TOTALLY cheating, but whatever. I'm not jealous at all. I swear :)

Recipe(s)

Dear Amber ~

First of all, I miss your face and I think it may be time to plan a weekender. There has to be somewhere we can meet that isn't terribly expensive that we can just have girl time for a weekend. Lets ponder that and see what we can come up with. Don't you get a fall break in there somewhere?

Second, I'm feeling better today and have "unofficially" lost 10lbs post surgery. I wont know for sure until I see the doctor in another 10 days. But according to my scale, Ive lost it. Unfortunately, most of it has been because I haven't been eating much and when I do, quite frankly, its doesn't stay around long if ya know what I mean. I do well eating fruits and veggies and oatmeal was great this morning too courtesy of my mom (who, by the way, decided to leave me this morning and head back your way). The doctor said every person is different and their body reacts differently to the surgery - I'm thinking mine is staging an uprising. Its only been 5 days, so Ill pretend try to be patient.

OK, so enough about G-Money .... I have something so exciting to share with you!!! Now, you may have already seen this on Facebook, but I have found an AMAZEBALLS website! www.skinnycrockpot.com I love this website. I'm trying to stay low carb but also stick to a "clean" food regimine. This website offers crockpot recipes that use low calorie, and often clean food, alternatives to traditional crock pot recipes! I have two crockpots sitting under my cabinet that are begging to be used and this just may be the answer. And for you it would be awesome with your school schedule because dinner can be ready (or close to it) by the time you get home. Dinner is always where I struggle because I'm always SUPER hungry when I get home and I tend to cave into the "Ill just grab something" mentality. The trick for me is to get the grumpy teenager to find something he will eat which could be a blog in and of itself. Good Times.

Anyway, check out the website and also "like" them on facebook which has other recipes too. I'm going to start collecting recipes, trying them, and then Ill add them to this hand dandy blog thingy we have going on here :o)

Let me know if you find a recipe you like and Ill make it first - I'm off all next week so I'll have time to cook and experiment!

No title

Yeah my brain is tired today and I have no title. You can always tell when my imagination is at an all time low when I just go with "no title" as my title.

Anyways! I'm glad to hear you rid yourself of that slacker gallbladder. I'm also impressed both by your grasp of anatomy and your ability to think of cute names for your internal organs!

So, as we discussed a few days ago, I'm adjusting to changes from school that kinda have messed up my whole system. My exercise and eating system - unlike you my digestive system is just fine. (I sincerely hope you successfully move your bowels tonight btw. I'm really good at asking people about their poop now so if you need to share the details with anyone, well you know who to call). And I also have been contemplating a little change to my exercise regime. This is occurring because I'm rather dismayed at how much easier I find it to run on the treadmill then I do on actual pavement. As my ultimate goal is to be able to walk out the door, head down the street and just easily run a few miles as both exercise and stress relief.... I decided to concentrate more on the outside exercise. So, as it gets nicer and nicer outside, I'll be alternating between very small sad little runs and lots of good solid quick walking up and down the crazy hills out here. When I can't go outside, I'll stick with week 3 of the couch to 5k program until I am able to move up my speed a few times then I'll move on in that program. I also still intend to sign up for a 5k in Oct/early November, but I will probably (just being honest and realistic here) be mostly walking that one. BUT!!! I'm ok with that because that's how my whole weight loss and running for pleasure and exercise started last time when I was so successful and lost so much weight. (wish I'd never let myself slip out of that! bygones..) I walked 2 miles with my friend (the one that tried to kill me last week) again today and was able to do that easily so I'm feeling like if I can keep up this plan and continuously do better and better that I might actually accomplish my goals!!! Speaking of accomplishing my goals, it hit home a few days ago (honestly about something else, I just applied to this as well) that I am much stronger than I give myself credit for. I have defeated my own self in the past by thinking I am not strong enough to overcome this. And I know now that I am. People that don't struggle with eating, I don't think realize the extent of the messed-up-ness that goes on in your head with this issue. It sounds so stupid when put into words, but when it comes to eating, the compulsion to eat is so strong that you literally feel like you aren't strong enough to say no to your own head. I know I have a choice, but making that choice has a lot of times seemed impossible to make. I'm learning through present circumstances, that I AM strong enough to choose to be healthy!!! And I'm learning that it's worth it. :) 

love ya girl- get better so we can get back to our everyday emails and get focus back. We have a lot of work to do!

Gangsta' Gallbladder

Dear Amber ~

I'm happy to report "G-Money" is a hold out no longer. The Gangsta Gallbladder was captured during a surprise raid on Tuesday and has not been seen since. All reports indicate he put up a slight struggle but was captured and brought out of the hole. At this time, his neighbors (known as Lizzy the Liver and Patty the Pancreas) have indicated the hood is calm and a "sense of relief" can be felt throughout the area. Everyone should rest better knowing he can cause no more pain.

In case you are wondering, yes, I have taken my hydrocodone and yes, it may indeed be influencing this blog. Overall I'm feeling better than I have in a long time but I'm pretty damn sore in my belly. I haven't been able to stand up straight yet - muscles are pretty tight. Ill be taking the dressing off the incisions this afternoon and can FINALLY take a shower. That sponge bath shit is retarded. I've been living on a diet of chicken broth, grapes, and crackers. Oh, and my mom made some red potatoes for me yesterday which were amazeballs. I'm a little concerned that I haven't been drinking enough water... and I haven't pooped which is a bit of a concern as well. Ive read that 48 hours post op isn't unusual for no BM but I just don't want to get crazy with it. If nothing by this afternoon Ill break out the laxatives (and you know my history with those bad boys!).

Other than that I have managed to pay most bills (today is payday!woot woot!), avoid some other bills (cause I'm feelin' gangsta!), and sit my rather large butt in the bed and/or chair but mainly the bed. Apparently my bed laying annoys my son... he started griping yesterday "I wish I could get four holes in my stomach so I could sleep all freaking day." Umm, yeah, you would sleep all day except to graze for food and pee if I'd let you! I think there should be another planet for teenage boys - ya know, kinda ship em off until they are human again.

OK, that's all I have for now. Doctor said two weeks no exercise - I told her I had been practicing for the last month. :o)

Miss you!!